it squeezes: (too tired)

i will sit hard

until the end.
outside in back i shot
at a garbage can but missed.

yesterday i practiced
setting my chair on fire.
everything is a sign.

i sit all day in my day pajamas
phone torn from the wall
too tired to kill my friends
ripping them up
i could delete them forever.

before they all found jesus
there was a lot to discuss
now i am pumped with drugs
unable to move.

jesus freaks
it squeezes hard
trying to pull me
but I will fight until the end
not wanting to be alone.

if i don’t get out
i will explode
but i called in sick again
& fell against my green plaid couch
rambling missives from strangers
with a lot to discuss
in my head.

each day in this shrinking self
psych ward seems shorter
but i am so tried
too tired to move
the dresser from in front
of the door.

arming myself against them
all of them
if i don’t get out
i will implode.

Mark David Jordan, 2011